Pushin’ 40

And wondering what comes next.

I just saw a video that said:

Everything before 40 is just getting started.

And 40 – now it’s the real thing.

Lessons and Missteps

How many lessons have we learned?

How many times have we fallen on the same crack, the same misstep?

Again and again and again and again.

A New Way

And now we can come to ourself with love.

And compassion.

And grace.

And find a new way out.

It ain’t over.

Until we’re dead, it ain’t over.

The Question

So let me ask you a question today.

Do you love yourself today?

What do you say about yourself?

Because what you say about yourself matters miles and miles and miles more than what anybody else thinks about you.

The Mirror

And I’ll argue that whatever you think about yourself is mainly how you think other people think of you.

And a lot of what happens with trauma is that we end up retraumatizing ourselves again and again and again because of what we think others are thinking about us.

You live most of your life in your own head.

So if you walk into a room and 20 people all of a sudden turn and look at you, what do you think about yourself?

Are they looking at you because you’re ugly?

Are they looking at you because you’re awesome?

And so in that moment you’re fighting against yourself.

Reality Check

You have no idea what these people are thinking.

Even if they have RBF you still have no idea what they’re thinking.

They can be struggling themselves.

And likely is it that they’re stuck in their own minds.

And they’re thinking about themselves.

And they’re thinking about how they are liked or not.

And they’re just barely thinking about you.

So in that moment it really matters the kinds of things that you say to yourself.

Step One

So part of it is seeing.

Seeing what it is we’re thinking.

Because really quite often these thoughts just go unchecked.

And so our mind just says what it wants and does what it wants and then we’re swept into it.

It’s like a wave washes over.

We don’t feel like we have control of the wave.

But it’s our mind.

It’s our brain.

If I asked you to raise your hand right now, could you do it?

Of course.

We have control but we don’t take the control.

And so this is where the journey really starts.

Noticing

As we start to take control.

What that truly means is noticing.

Seeing.

Seeing what it is that our mind is doing.

And as we see what our mind is doing, then we can start to unravel it.

We can start to unwind.

But the first step is just seeing.

The Practice

So if you’re new to this, then I welcome you today to look at what it is you’re thinking day in and day out.

Whether this is writing down your thoughts in the morning – a stream of consciousness, just let it flow.

Checking in with yourself throughout the day.

Or best you can when you get triggered, whatever that is, your math, your upset, your shame, your shame, your guilt.

Trying to ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?

What is going on?

You’ll likely, if you’re anything like me, be caught in the feeling.

It’ll be hard to actually prioritize what’s going on because you’re just caught in the emotion of it.

But the more you do this, the better you get.

And as you see what’s going on, you start to win.

Because now we’ve got that control of, oh, this is what my mind is doing.

Oh, there’s the guilt again.

Oh, this is shame.

I’m really angry right now, and I’m angry because of X, Y, and Z.

Okay.

From There

And then from there, now we can do the next step.

But before that, we can’t do anything.

If we can’t even understand what we’re thinking, I would say there’s really no way of changing.

And as soon as you know what you’re thinking, now we can do the work.

Breath

Now we can breathe to calm down.

Our breath has a lot of power, holds a lot of power.

As we calm ourselves down by breathing, throwing the air all the way across the room.

Deep breaths.

As we do that, and now we calm our systems down, now we can really start to have a conversation.

Start Line

So please notice.

Please notice your thoughts today.

Notice what you’re thinking for better or worse.

And if you tear yourself down from sun up to sundown…

If all you’re doing is saying to yourself how bad you are, and how much of a mess you are, and how much of a problem you are…

Then congratulations.

Because that’s the beginning.

You just found the starting line.

That’s the starting line.

And without that starting line, you’re actually more screwed.

Without even understanding that, you’re actually even more screwed.

So the fact that you see it is a win.

Catching It

Now you could just shame yourself about it.

Oh, I’m doing the thing again.

I suck whatever it is you’re saying.

It doesn’t help, but you can do it.

But then notice.

Oh, I just tore myself down again.

I just did it again.

There it is.

Right, so this is what’s going on in our minds.

And once we know what’s going on in our minds, now we can start to change it.

Two Steps

Breathing. In the moment, calming the emotion.
Working backwards.

Why am I like this?

Where did this come from?

Did I have somebody else in my life that was saying this and speaking these words over me?

Are these actually somebody else’s words?

Are they not even mine?

But they’ve been instilled because I’ve heard them so many times.

Replace the Words

Whose words are they?

And what words do I want to be there instead?

What’s the positive version of what I’m saying?

If the negative part is, oh, I’m a failure, I’m a problem.

Then the positive part is, I’m a success.

And I’m awesome.

Feels Fake

And as you say those positive things instead, you might feel like a fraud.

You might feel like, that’s not true.

I can’t say it.

But as you say those kinds of things, your brain starts to find ways that it’s true.

Maybe you are awesome in some ways.

How are you awesome?

Let’s look for all the ways that you are awesome.

How Your Brain Works

That’s how your brain works.

If you tell it that you suck, it’ll find proof of why you suck.

You messed this thing up, you made this mistake.

Join the club, you’re a human, you make mistakes.

But if you tell yourself that you’re awesome, now you start to notice.

Man, well, I really love my friends.

I’m a good person to be around.

I’m loyal and I’m caring.

Whatever it is, your brain starts to notice it.

New Reality

So then now you live inside that new paradigm.

That new reality.

Where you’re awesome.

Where you’re great.

And now instead of being suffocated by these negative thoughts, again and again and again, instead of being in this poisonous cloud…

You start breaking out of it.

You start breaking free.

How We Change

This is how we affect change.

This is how we become different.

This is changing mindset.

It always starts by just noticing what we’re thinking.

Just noticing what we’re saying to ourselves.

And then replacing those thoughts with nice thoughts.

The Swap

Catching the negative thing.

Oh, there’s the negative thing – there it is.

I’m gonna say something positive instead.

I’m gonna choose to say something positive instead.

Notice the Doubt

And whatever’s coming up for you right now…

If it’s, oh, I can’t do that.

Oh, this is too hard.

Oh, I can’t change.

Notice that.

Oh, my God.

My mind is telling me that I can’t change.

My mind is beating itself down.

Notice that.

Even if you can’t change it.

Notice it.

Not Truth

It doesn’t make it true just because you thought it.

Even if you can find proof, it doesn’t make it true.

We’re humans.

We’re complex.

We’re complicated.

All of us had problems.

All of us have issues.

Some of us more confident than others.

But you’re not stuck.

Even if you say, I’m stuck.

It doesn’t make it true.

You can believe it.

It doesn’t make it true.

A Practice

So I encourage you today, this week.

Write down your thoughts in the morning.

Morning pages.

From The Artist’s Way – fantastic book.

Morning pages is where you write stream of consciousness, everything you’re thinking.

Even if what you’re writing is, I’m writing down right now. I’m writing my thoughts.

Whatever you’re thinking, just write it down.

This took my negative voice from a 10 to a 2 in about 3 days.

No kidding.

Unlocking

I started seeing my thoughts.

What’s going on?

I started noticing.

And that started unlocking everything for me.

And if your brain is saying, well, I can’t do it, it’s too hard.

I don’t want to get up early.

Fine, notice it.

Oh.

My brain is telling me I can’t.

Huh.

You don’t have to believe your brain, you know.

The Reminder

You know.

Say nice things to yourself.

Say nice things to yourself today.